Each Month, I Answer the Call to Speak from Someplace Deeper in Me, To Someplace Deeper in You.
I am so sick of setting goals and then not hitting them. Why does this keep happening? It’s getting to the point where I don’t want to tell anyone what I’m aiming for, because then they’ll just be able to watch me NOT HIT MY GOAL. Maybe if no one knows, then it’ll be less humiliating when I fail. But why is it so damn hard to hit a goal if it’s something I genuinely want?
— Alannis, Who is Both Embarrassed AND Pissed Off
a response from someplace deeper
Dear Alannis Who is Embarrassed AND Pissed Off,
Okay, so, on the surface level, there are lots of factors with setting goals. Things like Have you learned to set smallish goals that are yes-able and build up to larger ones as you gain some momentum? or Do you have a clear way to measure what you are shooting for, and to track your progress over time? And then there are the more subterranean questions, like, Do you have endorsement from ALL the voices within you, or is one “rogue voice” setting a goal without getting buy-in from other parts within you that have other needs? Or even, Is there something more critical your heart wants that it’s not getting, so it’s holding out on this goal/distraction till it gets what it more deeply needs?
All that stuff is important stuff. And you can find a lot written about it. (Google “setting and keeping goals” and you will be treated to mountains of ideas and help!)
But since it’s me you’re asking, and my thing is to answer from someplace more expansive in my consciousness, here’s what I have for you, Alannis.
I hypothesize that the relationship between you and FUTURE YOU is in an unhealthy place.
What am I talking about? So, there’s YOU. And then there is this other woman, who does not live in the now, but is a version of you some number of weeks, or days, or even just minutes from now. Do you care about this woman? Do you know her? Do you think about her? Do you understand the relationship between what you are doing right now and how her life flows and bounces or hits walls, sinks and contracts?
I invite you for the next few days to think about looking at everything you’re up to through the lens of how much love you have in your heart for this lovely woman who is FUTURE YOU.
I can pretty much always feel it when I am in the presence of someone who has a loving relationship with FUTURE THEM. There is a look of kindness in their eyes. There is a glow about them–they seem to know something others don’t. And if you ask me what that something is, I’d say it’s attunement, and tenderness, and caring….about HER. About that woman who’s going to come walking back into her bedroom eight hours later and feel uplifted in some small but sweet way if her bed is made, or feel sucked dry a little, if her room is a ratty mess.
She’s the one who has to walk in on projects you left unfinished, messes you made, commitments you took a pass on, moments you let pass without speaking your heart, and the back end of dreams that got abandoned.
I didn’t used to know much about FUTURE ANNA but in the past two decades I have spent countless hours creating little surprises for her. I leave her tiny love notes on “our” desk that I know she’ll find later: You’re doing great or Keep Going! or Something good is about to happen! or I cleaned this all up for you because I love you! I care about what kind of a house she returns to after a trip, what kind of a desk surface she will be starting her next project from. I am sweet to her, because I’m in love with her.
Why? Because she is so so so so grateful! When I leave a gift or a note for her, she holds it up close to her heart, and she lets her eyes tear up. We have a little love affair, she and I. And it’s because of that that love that I have been able to do ALL KINDS of thing: start a business, compose, produce and record five albums, write a book about everything she has always wanted to have said. If I didn’t love her so much–love her sweetness and delight at being treated with love and thoughtfulness–I might not work as hard as I do to make her life light and well attended to and thoughtfully organized. And I might not take so much pleasure in thinking of clever, playful, doting ways of doing so.
She thanks me by saying YES when I give her a boost, receiving the baton and dancing forward into adventures she knows we both care about. She thanks me by living more fully in the moments I set up for her than she ever used to live. We are the best of friends, she and I, and I treat her well. Not always, not perfectly, but so much of the time that she’s very loving about it when I make a choice for us that’s messy or lazy or ill-informed. She has so much good will toward me!
As I thought about you, Alannis, about about putting words this the idea of FUTURE YOU for this blog entry, I thought of lots of songs I’ve composed over the years, but this one in particular…
a song for you
Some years ago a woman named Nancy came to me wanting a song to capture the wonder and the magic she had discovered climbing mountains with her friend Pat. I love the song we created, and I love two things about it in particular. One: it talks about the little FLUTTER of a feeling that is the way every big idea and life-altering dream first begins. It talks about what it feels like to turn toward that feeling and honor it, rather than turning away. FUTURE YOU is just a flutter of a feeling–one that you will tune into or block out, depending on the nature of that inner relationship. I think this song does a good job of celebrating how slowly, but surely, attunement to that little flutter can become somethign marvelous, sweeping, inspiring. How it can carry you into an energy flow larger than just “PRESENT YOU” or “FUTURE YOU”…into something Nancy calls The Gracewave: that energy that wakes you up to the power within and all around you, to help you expand and live more fully into all of what’s possible for you. The other thing I love about this song, musically, is how is mirrors this idea–starting very very simply and growing, if you stick with the song (blow past that inner ADD!) and allow it to bloom, unfold, and expand. Nancy has been out there celebrating the wonder of FLOW and THE GRACEWAVE for years now, and I love the idea that her message co-mingles so beautifully with my own. You can hear her song below, and learn more about her story here.
a podcast show/interview to share
How perfect, then, that this month I was interviewed as one of 22 experts on an online show called “Fab at 40: Happier Healthier and Sexier than Ever!”
I said YES to being on this show for lots of reasons, but a huge one was that Lisa Kostova, the host, is someone who impressed me as someone who was working brilliantly, courageously and creatively to deepen her relationship with “FUTURE LISA.”
She found herself approaching her 40th birthday with some fear, and she decided to dare to turn her energy around, and start taking great care of “FUTURE LISA” in a powerful way. She began a free online show and started a mission to celebrate her 40th birthday by interviewing me and other women who are living, or have lived, their 40’s in the best shape of their lives, achieving radiant healthy, feeling vibrant and sexy, accomplishing their biggest goals, starting their businesses, having babies, and generally enjoying the decade in a way that opens the door for even more to come as they navigate into and embrace future versions of themselves.
For all who are interested, the show starts on December 9, 2018.
If you find this interesting, you can do somethign loving for FURURE YOU right now, by joining this online show as my guest.
two ways to follow this blog
- To subscribe to this Living the Deeper Yes blog, click the “Follow” button (lower-right corner of the screen), and you can choose to sign up for e-mail updates via WordPress, and/or follow with a WordPress account.
- To receive e-mails directly from me each time I post a new blog entry, join my e-mail list.